Why We Need to Encourage Smoking

I'll start off by saying: this is tongue-in-cheek and in no way reflects the thoughts, actions, or beliefs of the blogger.

So... Cigarette smokers are the social equivalent of mass murderers, but cigarette smokers bear the responsibility of balancing budgets, paying for health care for our children, and the hopes and dreams of a nation. -- Wait! -- Not that last part, but the other two certainly. So, we need to take special care of the cigarette smokers left in the USA.

Instead of all these ridiculous PSA's telling smokers how they can get help quitting, we need to come out with better, newer PSA's telling smokers how they can prolong their life while continuing to smoke. We have to encourage our last, few remaining smokers to exercise and eat right. They should be able to get great health care, since they're paying for it--thank you smokers, our lives depend on you.

Instead of these inane laws restricting smoking in public places, we should be encouraging businesses and the government to create very special places for smokers to go. And I don't mean out the back door to suffer in the cold, snow, wind, rain, or scorching heat. Smokers now rate the best accomadations we can provide. No more second-class citizen treatment, smokers are the ones saving the USA.

Businesses need to be required to put in plush, comfortable smoking areas. Restaurants and bars should have large smoking sections, with the best seats in the house. I know this sounds crazy, but we need to remember the burden we are placing on our smokers. The least we non-smokers can do is treat smokers with the respect and deference due them. They are paying for health care for the rest of us.

Smoking sections, while primarily the domain of smokers, should welcome non-smokers as well. In fact, smoke-filled air is becoming scarce, it's a precious commodity and needs to be treated as such. Therefore, non-smokers who wish to sit in the rarified atmosphere of the smoking section will have to pay a surcharge. All the surcharge money will be put into a giant slush fund to aid smokers with the skyrocketing cost of cigarettes. After all, if smokers cannot afford cigarettes, they can't balance state's budgets nor pay for our health care. Non-smokers need to help out as much as possible, after all, the smoking population is declining all the time.

I am not advocating that we encourage more people to take up smoking, although that might have to happen in the future as smokers die and we lose that revenue. I am saying we need to treat our smokers better. Smokers are very special people who need extra special care. Smokers are responsible for the financial health of most of the states in the union and our nationalized health care.